SagaLouts Jokes
(Send your jokes to graham@ctlcs.com and I'll put them on)
Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
'I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked!
The headaches are all gone."
Well, that is wonderful."..........................
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years".
Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks uphis wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there,
in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday
On the farm lived a chicken and a donkey, both of whom loved to play
together. One day, the two were playing when the donkey fell into a Bog
and began to sink. Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee hawed' for the
chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the
farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no
avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around the
chicken spied the farmer's new Z-4x4 series BMW. Finding the keys
inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time
to save his friend's life.
Back at the Bog, the donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of
rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear
bumper ofthe farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the
aid of the powerful car, rescued the donkey!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and
the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between
the two animals was cemented best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the donkey to save his life! The donkey
thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would
then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the
donkey pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks !!
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.
"'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!
Remember this and you'll no longer be at a loss when someone says, "you
don't know Jack Schitt!"*
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? Well
thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can respond in an intellectual way.
______________
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt, Inc. They had
one son Jack.
In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Despite her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school drop out. After being married 15 years Jack and Noe Schitt divorce.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living
with them she wanted to keep her previous name, she became known as Noe
Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son with
rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the local
newspaper announced the Schitt Happens nupitals. The Schitt - Happens
children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
Bull Schitt left home to tour the world and recently returned from
with his new Italian bride
Now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
Test for Dementia
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question.
You have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.
OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!!
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person.
What positions are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely Wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
But don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic!
Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
What is the total?
Answer.....
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
...Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!
PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
To save the airlines.....
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! Wht the hell - the attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.
And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
&bsp; Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. Hell, I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of the tips.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
BEAR REMOVER
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough there is an advert for "Bear Removers"
He calls the number and the man says he will be over in thirty minutes .
The Bear Remover arrives and he gets out of his van, he has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" The Homeowner asks.
"Well, first I am going to put the ladder up to the roof,
then I am going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat,
when the bear falls off the pit bull is trained to hang on to his testicles and not let go.
The bear will be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage at the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner
"IF THE BEAR KNOCKS ME OFF THE ROOF............................................
SHOOT THE DOG!"
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